Oil industry invests in time travel to go back in time and make dinosaurs copulate more
Houston, TX. Executives from Shexxon Petroliburton appeared disquieted on Monday as they explained to reporters the recent scarcity of available oil and the need to “go back to another time when dinosaurs copulated hard and make them do it more.” Petroleum engineers around the globe have had to endure much sacrifice recently due to the dwindling oil reserves, including one professional who was forced to sell his beloved dolphin tear fountain. The Research and Development Department at Shexxon Petroliburton is not taking this crisis sitting down, however, and has diverted funding to new “experimental” projects with the hopes of solving the issue. After hours of deliberation considering various sustainable practices, time travel came forth as the front-runner.
Last week, during the second of three tri-weekly company golf barbeques, a prototype device was unveiled for the purpose of traveling back to the Mesozoic Era, the “golden age were dinosaurs copulated for days, bro.” Shexxon Petroliburton have decided to name this novel prototype TIME MACHINE, blatantly infringing on H.G. Well’s copyright of the name. When asked why TIME MACHINE will be used over more conventional methods, CEO Todd Van Shmegrin responded “it’s simple really, everybody loves dinosaurs and everybody loves copulating. This plan is foolproof.”
In order to encourage the dinos to spread their genetic goodness, Shexxon Petroliburton reached out to Johnson, Johnson, & Johnson to produce an ultra-potent formulation of Viagra, dubbed Viagrasaurus Sex. Fortunately, JJ&J scientists had begun researching a similar product last year when an unnamed Shexxon executive’s “uncle’s friend” was quoted as having severe “marital” issues.
Mere hours before the petroleum engineers were about to embark on their historic voyage, we were granted an exclusive look inside the TIME MACHINE. Nestled between two electrical consoles lay the barrels of Viagrasaurus Sex amidst stray vintage Marvin Gaye records and canisters of KY Jelly. The engineers matter of factly explained to us that they could use as much of the petroleum lubricant as needed, since they would be recouping their losses tenfold after their sexual expedition back in time. As the brave explorers zapped off in a triumphant strawberry scented blaze, all signs signified a successful and fruitful mission for humanity.
However, when reached for a comment regarding missing copious quantities of both KY lubricant and Viagrasaurus-Sex from Shexxon’s inventory, reporters were rushed off site past Van Shmegrin’s locked office where the muffled sounds of violent thudding and a smooth-jazz version of the Jurassic Park Theme song were heard.
-Hayne S. Piensley