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Finals are Cancelled!

Finals are CanceSOROCCO, MN: Due to recent concern for ocean life, finals have been cancelled at NMT.

The excellently trained high school dropouts from the Fish Life and also other-Water-but-Non-Fish Life Research Center in Nebraska have recently come to a shocking discovery.

By compiling data from InfoWars.edu and BuzzFeed.gov, they found that around the time finals take place in both secondary and college schools, the number of plastic and paper products that pollute water bodies increases, harming water life including marine celebrities Marlin, Nemo, and Dory.

The increased pollution levels are thought to be caused by the stress of students, but the climate and the economy were also offered as causes.

An article released by MIT supported the first theory. Their report projected that the stress caused by college finals week 2018 will be greater than or equal to the stress generated by a Klansman on the Oprah show.

NMT President Fargo of NMT capitalized on this opportunity for NMT and said in a statement to the NMT populous last week that NMT will “be progressive and cancel finals week in order to save turtles and stuff.”

This comes just weeks after administration decreed that all classes must now be named by their acronym. Full enunciation will be heavily punished, including a solitary confinement room (placed in the main Jones building for obvious reasons).

To fill up the blank gap left by this loss of academic torture device, President Fargo said that all final grades will be entered as 75%, so that everyone is “gloriously average.”

The remnant papers from would be exams will be recycled into door knobs.

Of course, several teachers argued that this cancellation removed a comprehensive test from their course, resulting in an overall decrease in class quality. They were told that money saved would go to new laboratories, and the outcry died down.

Some students were unhappy with this change however, and voiced their complaint vigorously on several obscure blogs. President Fargo, thinking ahead, told them not to worry and offered a free voluntary final.

Students who partake in the exam will receive a participation award.

- Skyler Matteson


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