Birds Aren't Real

Birds Aren't Real

Festival of the Cranes?

Festival of the Drones, more like.

As we near the end of the semester, it is evermore imperative to stay vigilant to atrocities and dark conspiracies happening throughout our nation. No matter how important it is, now is not the time to be distracted by the demands of education. It's time to become aware of the most oppressive force the United States government had set against its own people: the threat of birds.

For years, these “creatures” have flitted to and fro, defecating on cars and heads alike, making noise in the early morning and causing ruckus throughout the day. We at Paydit apologize for the inconvenient timing, but it is time the truth about birds is revealed.

It all started in 1971, in the formation of Operation “Water the County”. In a highly effective movement to spy upon the US population, the then CIA director Allen Welsh Dulles began a mission to wipe out the population of birds in the the US and replace them with surveillance drones. The operation was effective and deadly: over the course of the next six years, over 72% of birds in the continental US were subject to a horrific death by an airborne virus, one that has slipped the notice of the public.

The operation was carried out by modified B-52 bombers, whose bomb compartments were replaced with massive water tanks containing a deadly bird virus. Brainwashed to believe that they were only “watering the grass of the entire country”, pilots of the planes deposited millions of gallons of water into the atmosphere, carrying with it a deadly virus that affects only birds. For generations since, birds have been passing down the deadly virus and dying by the droves.

According to our reliable source, the last real bird died in summer of 2001, on an island off the coast of Virginia.

This news may be shocking, and we apologize to any distractions to your studies. Although we near the end of the semester, and finals week it just around the corner, we at Paydirt believe that nothing, not even a final worth 30% of the final grade, is more important than the truth.

Stay vigilant, patriots. And say no to pigeons.

For more horizon-broadening information, visit birdsarentreal.com

Finals are Cancelled!

Techie of the Fortnight: Philip Chung

Techie of the Fortnight: Philip Chung